I think we should change "Being in the closet" to "Keeping a straight face"

Jake and I have been emailing for several months. We have never met or spoken. I suggested that he write about his journey as there are others who are in his or similar positions. If you are one of those people and feel comfortable in doing so, email me and I will connect folks for support. All contact info will be held in the strictest confidence. ~ BH

I am in a cascading turmoil I am most definitely a 66 year old gay man, living in southern Maryland, or as I like to say, a 66 year vital gay man. Sadly, I can only live out being gay once in a while. For you see, even in 2018 I am closeted, the epitome of a tiny house. And it is as stifling as if I were claustrophobic. I am not free to stretch my limbs. I am not free to speak my truth. I am not free to be honest and live in my gay energy. I am not free to unabashedly offer my love to another gay man. Yet I crave it so much. I am hungry for the touch of a treasured gay man.

My name is Jake and I am hurting. I am married, actually for almost thirty-five years. I love my wife but I am not in love with her. I love my children and cherish my grandchildren. I wouldn't trade them for anything. At this point in our lives, it's not fair to my family to just leave and climb out of the closet. My wife did not know she was marrying a gay man. How is it fair to make her suffer, especially now, as she is in the last quarter of her life?

So here I am, sometimes in a fetal position begging my higher power for help or at least for relief. I may be older but I am still whole. I have all my parts, although they all don't necessarily function quite the same as when I was 22, but they do function. I too, like you I suppose, have physically sexual feelings. They build up and encompass my whole body and those feelings seek the fulfillment of human touch. Oh sure, I can touch myself, but you know, it's just not the same thing. It doesn't feel complete. So I sacrifice and I suffer in silence and the silence is deafening. And my cry rings out to the universe ... help me! help me! please help me!